does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
