Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
