Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it hurts more in the daytime
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Randomize
