it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
