I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize