I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
