My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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