You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
