i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
