I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
