I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
