Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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