so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
