I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got her a Nickelback box set.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
