I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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