Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
