I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
