Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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