I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
