sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
