your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
