I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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