You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
