you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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