I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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