There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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