My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
