Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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