I think I won the penis lottery.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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