Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
