Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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