yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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