So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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