if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
