I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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