I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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