Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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