just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
