If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
