I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
