Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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