I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
