my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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