from now on my penis is your penis
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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