Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My liver just broke up with me...
I faked an abortion last night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
