so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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