idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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