saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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