when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
