i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
