I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
