Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
