I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
