look no pants
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
