I hate all girls vehemently.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
