i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
