You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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