Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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